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Writers fears

I'm trying to get on with my coursework today as the workmen don't seem to work on the weekends ( which is a relief.), but I'm almost crippled with feelings that what i am writing is utter rubbish :(

I know we all have good days and bad days, and I know I am struggling with the inflexibleness of this course, but part of me hopes this is how all writers feel sometimes...

I'm just starting to wonder if I have any understanding of the structure of our language at all.

Perpetual Noise

I swear the phoneline works going on on the street are going to send me slowly mad.

I've been rather lax in keeping up with anything the last few months, especially this,  and at the moment I'm caught up with  writing. More on that later.

I  sincerely hope this is going to find you with time to sit down with a cup of tea and read this.

Things are looking up here. The new house is doing me the world of good, although we are still to unpack a quarter our things well over 6 months down the line, but we are tackling a box when we can and clearing out a lot of deadwood while we can. Having a proper bathroom is really helping with my physical care and having my own space is helping with my mental anxieties and issues.

I have serious 'wanting a cat type' yearnings at the moment.
There are lots of local neighbourhood cats here. There are 4 regulars - the black one with the white tummy and paws that is trying to dig up my plants that I have an on going battle with about who's territory my yard is; the huge fluff ball of a tabby who mainly sits on car bonnets and glares at people; the lithe little black cat that stalks you and mews to be let in at houses and cars; and the slinky tabby who stalks along the top of the wall opposite the end of our yard and, apart from a sparkly pink colour, looks wild.

As I've mentioned, I've been writing.
I'm in the midst  of an Open University Creative Writing short course. Its called Start Writing Fiction, Its only a few hours a week over 12 weeks and I can juggle my energy to fit it. I just want to see if I'm capable of writing well, and writing something other people will enjoy.  I'm even writing stuff I'm on the verge of being proud of and don't want to delete!

The only real problem is I have work I have to fit in to certain weeks and currently, the ongoing roadworks in my street are trying to send me slowly mad with the drilling and the digging and the sawing.

If I start growling at you, I apologise.

I will post more often ;-)


Its minus 9C out there. Minus bloomin' 9. The snow has turned to ice. 3in thick ice on my little side street.

I think I shall try and stay inside for the rest of the day, although I had to go out for lunch supplies - the wonders of the last day before getting groceries.

I'm wearing several layers of clothes in an attempt to keep warm as well as snuggling under a couple of fleece blankets and switching between checking the internet and working on some gorgeous tweedy granny squares in chunky yarn for really keeping warm under.

Am gonna need a shed load of chunky black yarn for outlining/joining them with, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it; today I'm thinking about cooking. I did some proper cooking on friday - finding what I had in the fridge and produce rack and making an ensemble meal of stuffed pork, pasta, carrots and roasted butternut squash and apples - and it felt good; actually doing something creative and productive not related to yarn for the first time in days.

The days have been slowly blurring together and I've been desperately trying to remember to journal a few lines either online, or on paper, but I've mostly failed to in the last few weeks; partly during to my being introvertedly focused on things in my head, and partly due to lack of energy to pick up the pen or open the laptop. But I do need to journal.  Its so useful to have it as an aide-memoire during exceptionally foggy periods and to mark time in the blurred together days; to prove they aren't wasted days. So theres something at least for me to be remembered by; that my life had as much value as anyone elses.  That probably says more about me than anything my journals will say....


It seems like the entire world is obsessed with snow at the moment; yes its been snowing on and off in the UK for the last week, and Yorkshire is being particularly hit by it, but they are acting as if its never happened before and are talking about how the country isn't prepared for snow.

Someone did at least make the point on the news that we usually aren't prepared for snow, because we are one of those mid range countries that don't always get snow. Countries that get it every single year are of course going to be more prepared; having better equipment, and people skilled in using it. We are doing the best we bloomin' well can with what we have available.

They talk about gritting the main roads but its the side roads and smaller roads which are were people slip, slide and get stuck. My little side road is dangerous in this sort of  weather because if your car slides on the ice, you are going to slide straight down into a main road! Someone tried to clear the pavement, but it snowed and refroze so theres now an icerink out there.

I think I'll stay inside where its warm and eat a nice hot properly baked potato - central heating for the body.

Some parts of the city are measuring in at -12C, but its a balmy -6C here; the bonus of  a few hours of sunlight. Its odd.  Part of the low temperature must be because of the wind, but I can hear the snow from the roof melting and dripping at the front of the house so the sun must be doing something...

At least I'm not in that village in Scotland where its -25C. Thats horrid!

feeling shell shocked...

I went to the doctors yesterday to talk to him about my not feeling well for the past two months, and looking at my medical history and the symptoms I currently have I have been given a provisional diagnosis of M.E.
Yesterday I just felt relieved that I'd managed to get a doctor to listen to me, and that they DID think there is an underlying health problem and that it means I can start learning to cope with it.

Today I am realising that it means that I have to completely change the way I think about my body and energy levels and I don't have to keep battling through all the time.

Hence feeling a bit shell shocked...

Positively Fed Up

I'm in one of those annoying situations where I start to get better after being ill and then it just sort of gets stuck and I stay ill for a while...

Its decidedly irritating.

Dreaming of Normality

I know, I know, there's no such thing as normality.

But, this endless cycle of illness and anxiety and the effect it has on my home, social and work lives is getting to me and is making me depressed.

I know a lot of people use that as a throw away term but I mean actually depressed.

Its the knowing its always going to be like this, that I'm never going to be able to hold down a full time job, and that the museum are only going to sympathetic and flexible for a certain amount of time.

I see the doctor on Monday, and I need to talk to him about this cycle of illness, anxiety and depression and how it affects me and get him to listen to me because god knows someone has to. Its been going on for at least 15 years now and I need some kind of help and support from qualified people.

I know normality is subjective, but I dream of a week without feeling ill or run down, of a month with no anxiety problems and of managing a full week at work.

Is that too much to ask?

The greatest schemes....

....rarely go to plan.

I swear, someone sneaked in while I wasn't looking, and stole my energy.
It was there one minute and gone the next.

My sleep patterns have been crazy this week which might be to blame as could be the cold/bug I've had on and off for the last fortnight or a dozen other things.

Its one of those weekends where I have so much to do and all I feel up to doing is curl up under a duvet and nap. I should be sleeping right now but I can't get to sleep because of my sore throat and the not quite sinus headache that is being barely dented by painkillers - am posting this from my phone.

If I had had the energy today would have been spent on sorting the flat out as I am still tidying from moving everything to put my new shelves up. I also need to photograph a load of things, write a blog post, read and update various forums,sort out and do laundry and washing up, write an article, work on either of two sewing projects or half a dozen knitting ones, write 3 letters and somewhere in there find 5 mins of peace and quiet.

Instead today was spent vaguely tidying for about an hour, then curling up on the sofa under a duvet, popping cold meds, sipping ginger ale and knitting in front of The West Wing. Hardly the most productive of days, although I did get a good part of a sock knitted. Unfortunatly I had to undo most of the other project I knitted on as I had twisted my cast on so the resulting knitting was twisted through itself.

Tomorrow will probably be spent doing much of the same. I need to some how store up the energy to work next week, and restart maths classes. At least the first few weeks of that will be what I did during summer school.

The thing that worries me is that if this schedule is making me tired and then I'm getting ill because I'm tired, will I ever manage to have a proper job? Bah. My brain is being negative. I get like this in the middle of the night.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend, you lovely people out there.

I'll try and have something interesting to tell you soon.x

Another day older

Its official. I am now on the countdown to my 30th birthday....which is odd, as I'm sure it can't really be 8 years since my 21st birthday.
I shall endeavour to try and sort myself out a bit by my 30th but I'm not promising!

Was working yesterday so didn't do much for my birthday, but I had a special packed lunch (sushi and fruit salad) and got a card from my coworkers.

For my birthday  I recieved:
  • Some undyed Mohair boucle yarn, some wool light sock/heavy laceweight, and some alpaca (falls over from the softness) sport weight and some Kool Aid to dye it with! *squee* They were from my friend Tsuki at my kniting group. I've been wanting to try this for a while now! Am researching places to get more Kool Aid and undyed yarn as she has warned me it can be addictive! I have some colours I recieved in a swap in my CQ days so I have a whole selection of colours/flavours to play with now.
  • 5 bookcases - 3 big and 2 narrower smaller ones - I was desperatly short of bookcases/storage space! They arrived last week and were put together at the weekend and have already had books, yarn, and more books put on them. I just need to sort folders for loose papers to go and this place might actually resemble a liveable in space!
  • A bonsai tree *squee again* - Species of tree unknown unfortunatly, but am looking into it and may have already aquired a second tree... *whistles innocently*
  • A copy of The BFG with Quentin Blake illustrations. I am very fond of this story.
  • A copy of Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are because everyone should own a copy ( they should also own a copy of The Hungry Catapillar)
  • Some KnitPro Symphony 6mm DPNs for a project I want to make.
  • A 70cl bottle of Bombay Sapphire - and its all mine - mwahahaha! I need some Tonic too. I must resist the urge to drink G&T out of a teacup....
  • A vintage set of knitting needles in a rather nifty case. Its metal with brass ends one of which turns to dispense the needles. Its marked Jahncke's Patent Mitrailleuse Needle Case. The outside of the case is printed blue pearlized marbling.  You twis the cap so that the pointer is over the desired needles size and you can then slide them out. It dates from 1880 to 1900 as far as I can work out.
  • A Wispagold...don't ask.
  • A day out to Chatsworth House at some point in the future
  • Tickets to see 3 Daft Monkeys next month.
Not a bad haul of treasure although there could of been more yarn! Seriously, when else am I gonna get enough cheap yarn to make big projects?

Bestest birthday present of all though? Speaking to my dad on the phone.

On friday of last week he had a heart attack. He's ok. It was a moderate one but hes positive and things. Hes given up the cigs and is on nicotine patches (just that has him feeling better than he has in years) and they allowed him home for a few days and has to go back next week for more tests. So to be completly honest just having a dad still is a pretty good present!

New Start

Well, here I am, making a fresh start with a new journal.

Am still dealing with the bigblackraven of depression and anxiety but am working on my coping techniques.

There's things I need a place to share. And also a place where I can say how I'm actually feeling about things.

Shall post again soon.